Dear Diary,

I finally broke.

As you know, I have a habit of putting all my feelings into a tiny box and locking it uptight. Both of us knew that it was bound to break open one day. This was that day.

No, it wasn’t planned, but yes, it was fated. 

Over the lockdown, I had plenty of time to ponder. Most of them were questions. Why do I feel like this? How can I like both? Why can’t I just pick a side? 

Homosexuality wasn’t a foreign concept to me. Bisexuality was. 

I had a very binary view of sexuality. I had never gotten any representation that said otherwise. Neither had I been introduced to the vast spectrum that is the queer community. 

I always knew I liked guys, but I suppose I was in denial because I liked girls too, and the norm was to either be straight or gay, and I was told that it is impossible to be anyone other than that. My thoughts and feelings would be in constant chaos as if they were intertwining together to form one complex and suffocating knot. I wish I had someone to tell me that how I felt was valid and possible. That there were other people like me, who fancied blue and pink. That I wasn’t confused. That I wasn’t being greedy. That it wasn’t just a phase. 

I don’t think I would have had those thoughts if that wasn’t what society told me. Bi-erasure is so deep and vast that sometimes we face it from the gay and lesbian community too. To the world, we are often viewed as confused or impostors or people who don’t want to give up the “straight” privilege. 

Bi women are fetishized, and bi men are declared non-existent or promiscuous, “dirty”, and disease-ridden.  

It took me time to come to terms with facts like these, and it still disturbs me to know that this is how people think of me. In spite of this, I was no longer in denial about the fact that I am attracted to both boys and girls, and no, I don’t have to stick to aside. 

Even though I had finally acknowledged how I felt, I was afraid of how others would perceive me. I knew that they would tell me the same things I told myself. I was afraid that I wasn’t secure enough and that I might end up believing them. That’s why I chose not to, and yet today, I did.

I was hanging out with my friends, and like most teenagers, we were teasing each other. They were talking about how another girl and I were perfect for each other. Usually, I brush these kinds of things off, but this time I just needed them to know. I suppose the vulnerability I was so afraid of was actually the thing that could save me from my conditioned internalized biphobic beliefs. It isn’t possible for one to live a constant lie, and nobody should have to either. The closet had become increasingly and inevitably claustrophobic for me, and I had to breathe. So I snapped. 

I blurted out saying, girls weren’t the only ones to be “shipped” with. 

They took a while to process that. Surprisingly, they weren’t confused. Or at least I think they weren’t because the next instant, they started teasing me with a guy. 

I never expected them to have a homophobic reaction, but I did expect some confusion, and I knew I wouldn’t be able to handle that because I was dealing with it myself. 

Like I mentioned before, this wasn’t planned, but I’m glad it happened. I’m glad to have friends who understand and accept me even when I couldn’t do it myself. 

This is what helped me finally accept and validate my bisexuality as I can now freely say, “I am BI”. 

So, this was how my day went and a fitting start to the bisexual visibility week.

Until next time!

Written By- Dev